Tuesday, February 1, 2011




Today is my 31st anniversary. I consider being married, and being happier now than ever, one of my greatest accomplishments. I remember that when I was a teenager I would lie on my back in my bedroom and talk to the ceiling. Actually, I was talking to the Being of Light that was overshadowing me. However, I had no concept of that and believed that I was talking to God or Jesus.

I recall how I would beg the Being of Light to find me love, so that it could fill the deep hole inside of me. It was during my adolescence that my childhood experiences of Unity with Beings of Light began to shut down. I needed to be like everyone else, so I blocked the part of me that was different, the part of me that filled me with love. It was then that I desperately sought love outside of me. I sorrowfully missed having someone to deeply love me, because I had forgotten how to love myself.

I had a few friends who could love me, but it was not enough, as they too were desperately seeking love outside of themselves. Having children was as close as I got to my finding that inner love, but even that was not enough. By the time I was 28, my first Saturn Return, I was deeply depressed. Shortly after that I found my first spiritual teacher, Mrs. Reed, and started the long, slow path back to my SELF. Fortunately, I learned to love myself enough to release a marriage filled with lies, so that I could better seek the Truth.

When I met the husband to whom I am now married, my emotions were a mix of terror and joy, but I was free! I had also learned enough about love to know when it was true. Neither one of us are “easy to live with,” but we have always truly loved each other. This love was the clearest when we were in nature together. We camped as much as possible, and in many remote places. It was on one of these camping trips that I first met Kepier. I remember drawing her picture, and then another picture, which was more androgynous. After that first meeting, I wandered off into the woods in the early mornings to write to her. Communicating with an “outside/above” version of me began my long journey to finding love within.

I first stepped on my Spiritual Path in the mid 1970’s, but I had no concept that I might meet a higher frequency expression of myself. In fact, I had no idea that there was even a possibility that I would have a higher frequency expression of myself. My first meeting with Kepier, whom, I did not identify as an expression of myself for many years, began a long process of finding my SELF and, most important of all, find the love within me. I first connected with Kepier before I had a computer, probably around 1992. Therefore, I cannot find my earliest communications with her, and I have looked. However, I have some of my earliest writings. I spoke about my self in third person as a way to distance myself from my emotions and experiences. Of course, I was “just writing a story.”



The morning came very early. Her mind danced and whirled through a myriad of options, decisions and responsibilities.

“It is your time now!” the inner voice had said.

The long awaited moment had come. For years and years she had prepared for this. For all of her life she had awaited it. But, now the waiting was over, the preparations were complete. Now, it was her time.

Had she prepared herself well enough? Was she stable enough to stand the weight and centered enough to not get lost? Could she ignore the outside pulls and guide herself solely from her own inner pilot?

These questions caused doubt, and the doubt caused confusion. She could not afford to be doubtful and confused at this time or she would surely loose her way. Moment by moment, step by step she had to carefully venture into the unknown.

Fortunately, she had worked for may, many years to recognize a certain quality of consciousness, an inner feeling that had become very familiar and comforting. If she could surround herself with this feeling, if she could maintain her consciousness at that vibration, she could feel safe. Then, she could enter the unknown surrounded by the known and not need to feel alone or afraid again.

If she could wrap herself in the essence of love and protection and radiate out that which she felt within, she could allow that light to guide her through the darkest places. If she could do this, she would be free of fear.

Without fear she would have peace. With peace she could remember to remember who she truly was. She could see through the veil of illusion and live in Truth. Then, the Truth could set her free.



There was a plan. She was sure of that. However, she wasn’t sure what it was. She knew that on some level she was well aware of this plan, but it was difficult for her to hold her consciousness at that vibration. The recent turn of events had frightened and excited her. For a long time she had awaited this moment, but now that she was here she wondered if she were strong enough to survive.

Yes, survival that was the questions. Was she surviving, fighting, experiencing creating or allowing? She had survived before. Moving through day after day in an numb or depressed way. Merely putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that the ground would be there to meet it. Now, she was determined to fight. She was no longer numb or depressed. She was terrified. As she fought to raise her consciousness, she found she could be more detached if she could experience life without taking it all so personally, without being in constant battle.

She gradually gained enough will power to be able to be an active member in the creation of her life. This concept of accepting responsibility for the creation of her life raised her consciousness greatly.

Now, she had come to the place where it was time for her to let go. She gradually released all the controls of her life that she had fought so hard to gain and handed them over to Spirit. Therefore, she was out of control, or in absolute control, depending entirely on where she held her consciousness.

As long as her free will was in harmony with the divine life she could feel herself in the Captains seat. However, when she lost connection with her Soul, she felt like a small child being led around by her mother. But, wonderfully enough, it was a happy, secure child being led by a loving, protective mother.

Therefore, when she needed to be a child, she could feel her Soul above her like a guardian angel, and when she wanted to be an adult, she could feel the radiation of her Soul from deep within the core of her essence.

However, things were beginning to happen now. Things that in the past would have depressed or frightened her, that now only reminded her to remember to stay at the top of the survival scale—above the pain. She had felt enough pain in this life, and she did not want to experience it anymore.

Sometimes she felt like a tightrope walker without a net. She would have to keep her concentration and her balance. Hence, she could not allow her emotions to take control of her, nor could she allow random thoughts to invade her mind and threaten her concentration. She had to stay within her center and keep her harmony.

Nothing could destroy her harmony, and she chose to harmonize her free will with the divine life. This divine life was beginning to unfold before and within her now. And as it did so, it would bring greater change. Could she remain master of herself and not allow these changes to frighten her? Could she remember to maintain her deep connection with her self and all that she had fought for, experienced, created and allowed?

She had to!! There was no other choice. To stop the process now would plunge her deeply into the jays of pain and set her back into the near death of survival.

She would keep on keeping on into the unknown. The trail was dim and led into the mists, but it was a golden radiation and felt of Soul. She would feel this radiation over, under, around and through her. She would feel this radiation within her heart and within her mind and express it with every word or action.

She was Soul. She was the Isness, Hereness and Nowness. Yes, right NOW she was here, within her Soul—for as long as she could maintain this frequency of her consciousness.

1 comment:

  1. Huh. I actually blocked out outside love all my life, I just could never project this inner Love on anyone. I've tried dating once or twice. The whole thing about getting married feels so foreign to me, and I've had to live with this all my life - the shame at being "different".