Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Reflections With My SELF
Reflections With My SELF
This trip has been a “good-by” vacation, as I am saying good-by to a way of life that has appeared to be normal for almost 40 years. For 40 years I have been striving to DO something. It is my NOW to BE some ONE. For all these years I defined myself by what I have done. Hence, I have “done” a lot.
NOW, I need to realize that it is not the just the doing-ness, but also the being-ness. Working hard to follow my inner directions is transmuting into releasing ALL resistance from “being my SELF.” I find that with this challenge in front of me, I am not sure how to “do” it.
Yes, there is that action word again, the DOING of life. But what if life is not about doing but about being. What if an ascending reality is not just about putting out the information but also living the information. To be fair and kind with myself I have focused much attention on being, but to be honest I must admit that my primary attention has been on doing.
Yes, it is a phase of my life, as I am now ready to retire from all 3D definitions that allowed me to DO. But I am aware that I am also seeking recognition for my “hard work.” “Hard work” has been my battle cry, my call to duty. I have worked in an obsessive many for 40 years to do my Mission. NOW is the time to BE my Mission.
This new state of being is based on unity, unity with all the expression of my SELF and with ALL those that share not just my personal world but those who share my planet. I have been getting vague glimpses of a ME that is, I don’t know, calmer, sweeter and most important VERY peaceful.
This calm, sweet peacefulness is the state of BEING that is trying to take root within me. I say, “trying,” as I can feel the resistance. I hear myself silently ask what I should DO to release this resistance. But resistance is a result of doing. Whatever wants to change must resist falling back into that which they wish to change.
“Surrender, just Let Go, Just BE” are my inner directives within this NOW. So I ask, “What do I need to surrender? How do I “just Let Go”? And, WHO or WHAT am I supposed to BE?
I go inside to find those answers, as I know they will not be found in my world of “doing.” It is very quiet inside when I do so. But, quite is actually a great relief after the ongoing pursuit of… of… I am not sure. Each thing that was pursued was so important, then drifted off into the past once it was accomplished
I can look at my “accomplishments.” But, how do I BE my accomplishments? How do I just BE without the action of DOING?
I go inside again to find the answers…
“You cannot ask for the answer. You have to remember the answer,” I hear.
“Wow, thanks a lot. All I have done in my life and all I get is to remember!” I say with more than a little anger.
Yes, there is the anger again. How can such a do-good person have so much anger? Worse yet, how dare it reveal it self? Anger is not a “good” thing and I am supposed to BE a “good” person.
Oh, there is the BEING word again. However, I do not see how I have surrendered anything.
“You have surrendered to allowing your anger to have an honest voice,” I hear inside. “How can you let go of your anger if it is hidden inside, behind all the good things that you DO?”
That is so easy for the inner ONE who lives in the higher dimensions to talk about surrender and letting go. Their world is safe.
“Is your world unsafe?”
“Yes! No! Well it can become unsafe in any moment.”
“Why would you want to create an unsafe world?”
“I don’t create it, it is just all around me.”
“Therefore, it is IN you as well?” the voice asks.
“Maybe it is all around me because it is IN me?” I have to admit.
“With that statement you are BEING very wise.”
“I am BEING wise because I am doing something. I am writing down our conversation and have to see what I am thinking. Therefore, I am editing my responses so that I don’t have to look at my excuses.”
“Did you not just look at your excuse?”
The voice got me there. I do not have a snappy answer. Maybe when I write to share with others, I have to also read it.
In fact, I have to read it several times to edit it, then put in the edits that some one else did. I cannot find all the mistakes myself. I have to surrender my writing over to someone else to edit it. I have to let go of part of my process because I cannot DO it all alone.
“DO it all alone?” asks the voice.
I must think about this latest sentence, as it is much deeper than I first thought. Yes, I felt like I was “doing it,” which in my life meant communicating with an inner voice, “all alone.”
When I share what I hear inside I do not feel as alone. That is all alone in the outside world, as I never feel alone in the inside world.
“Never?” asks the inner voice who doesn’t miss a word.
Again, I must deeply consider this question. Where did it come from? Why did I say it?
“How did you feel when you thought about ‘doing it all alone?’” asks the voice who is always listening to my thoughts
Well, of course, I felt angry.
Or did I feel afraid?
Is there a difference? I answer to my self.
“I can still hear you, as I AM your self,” responds the ever-present inner voice.
“Yes, of course,” I reply in a somewhat angry way.
“Can you be ‘somewhat’ angry?” asks the inner voice.
Anger, fear, sorrow and all the other unhappy emotions only grow if we try to hide them.
On the other hand, love, joy and their best friend creativity, diminish if we hide them.
“You cannot hide them from me, as I AM you,” the inner voice lovingly replies. “If you do not feel safe enough to BE these traits, I will hold them for you until you are ready,”
“I want to BE these traits NOW!” I decree.
“Then I will assist you NOW to BE the YOU that you forgot!
You do not need to try to remember this expression of YOU, as it is growing on its own. You cannot force this flower to bloom, but you can feed and tend it while you patiently wait for it to bloom on its own.”
“Patiently?” I ask. “I have never been too good with patience.”
“There is a patience for doing and a different patience for BEING. You ego self has full control of all you DO.
“However, to BE your true SELF you must lovingly Let Go of your ego to patiently await your SELF to BE YOU in daily life.”
That sounds like the most difficult thing I have ever done!
“Are you angry about that?” ask the voice.
I have to really think before I answer this question. The problem with talking to my inner SELF is that if I lie, it will know.
I can only tell the truth to this ME. There are lots of ego-based versions of me that I can lie to and they never know, but my SELF always knows.
Upon reflection, I realize that it is NOT the word “anger” that triggers me. It is the word “patience” that triggers my emotions.
In fact, I realize that releasing my anger will take a lot of patience. Also, if I focus on patience, then I will not need anger, as my anger is usually about how LONG things take.
“Good analysis.” Replies the ever-listening inner voice.
“Does that mean that it is my impatience that I need to Let Go so that I can just BE?”
“Why don’t you try that and find out?”