Tuesday, May 29, 2012
When Mytria turned away without even answering my question and walked into the cave I was enraged. Who did she think I was, some toy that she could play with and discard when I became boring? Without another thought I turn and walked away as fast as I could. In fact, walking was not fast enough, so I began to run. I had not realized what good condition I was in after my time on the land, but I ran until it was almost sunset before I became fatigued.
The running had felt good; it felt real. Also, I was proud of myself that I didn’t stay there and humble myself even further. I had been following her around like a child long enough. I was a MAN, a Protector who had a bright future in the Military. How could I have become so lost, so ensnared in the trap of a woman’s arms? I guess it was time to go back to being myself. This time had been a fun fantasy, but I was now for reality, for duty.
I continued to walk at a very pace as the sun continued to move below the horizon. I was so engaged in my anger, self pity and, I hate to admit it, fear, that I was not paying any attention to the land. In my effort to forget about Mytria, I was trying to forget everything she had shown me. Then it happened…
I did not even notice how close I was standing to a huge precipice, nor did I notice the loose rocks under my feet. Then, before I could come out of my self-pity, I began to fall. Fortunately, the rocks tumbled beneath me so I did not drop straight down, but I could see a steep ledge coming up below me. If I went over that ledge I would be gravely injured or die. I grabbed desperately at the surrounding roots and plants, but they all broke off with my grasp.
Finally, I got ahold of a large enough root to bear my weight, but not for long. I had to find a way to land on that ledge, but it was over to my right. The surrounding cliff was all loose rocks, so I would have to create a controlled fall—like I had learned in the military. Perhaps I could swing from the root so that I would fall on the ledge, but I had to avoid the loose rocks. I had to decide NOW, as the root was giving way.
I focused my attention and intention on the destination of my “fall,” swung the root a bit to the right and jumped/fell. I did land on the ledge, but with such force that I felt my right leg break beneath me. I almost lost my balance, but somehow leaned against the wall of the ledge until I felt secure. I carefully sat down to assess the condition of my leg.
I was only wearing the short robe, tied at the waist with a sash, which Mytria had made me from her plant material. The very thought of her name brought not anger, but overwhelming grief. What had I done? Why had I become so angry? No, the proper question was, why had I become so afraid? However, this was not the time to ponder my erratic behavior. This was the time to think about my survival. I had only the clothes on my back. Some military man to run off into the wilderness with no supplies, not even a knife.
I pulled my self over to some long sticks, put them on either side of my leg and wrapped my sash around them to somewhat steady my leg. I would have to find a way to set it myself, if I lived that long. There was only a dim light and it was becoming cold already. I had to protect my body from going into shock. There was only a small ledge and loose dirt around me. Therefore, I dug myself into the surrounding dirt, leaving out my leg to avoid infection. I had no food, no water, no supplies and no tools. Furthermore, I had totally lost all touch with Nature and had no idea where I was.
All I could do not was sleep so that my body could begin to heal itself. I would have to control my mind and calm my breathing. I felt the adrenaline coursing through my body, which would keep me alert, when I needed to remain calm. My wound was not fatal, unless it got infected, which was a huge possibility in these circumstances. I would have to ask the Mother for help. Did I actually have that thought?
It was in that exact moment that I had the first experience of my “higher self.” I knew that my brain had that thought, but it was not the same brain that hysterically ran off like a frightened dog.
“Do not judge yourself,” came an unbidden thought.
And then, I had the most amazing experience of unconditional love, at least it seemed that way. Perhaps it was Mytria, for she was the only one in my life that made me feel that way.
“NO, it is I,” continued the inner voice.
I had heard about the inner voice before. Some people totally changed their lives and became very spiritual, whereas others became sick, confused, angry and frightened. I realized then that I had been in the later group. I had been unable to perceive any form of inner world. Even during my time with Mytria, I was communicating with the Mother Planet, who was underneath and around me.
Never before had I imagined a reality within my form other than the makings of a physical form. With these last words I started to drift off into sleep. At least, I thought it was sleep. Maybe it was a hallucination or maybe I was dying. However, now I know that it was the Truth.
Truth, that was a word that was just as dubious as the word Trust. I had trusted Mytria, totally and without question. Why had the mere suggestion of a Vision Quest set me into such an emotional state? That question was the last thought I had before I passed out, went to sleep, or had a Vision!
In my vision, I was alone on the land. It was the same land that I had shared with Mytria, but it was filled with light. Everything had a soft aura around it and seemed to whisper to me as I passed by. I, too, had a glow around me, and my body seemed to be made of light and it was almost transparent. I looked down to see if my leg was healed and found that, yes, it was totally fine, but my feet were not totally touching the ground. I was moving in a walking, floating motion, almost like treading water in our wonderful lake.
Again a pang of overwhelming grief overtook me, and I bolted into consciousness. What have I done? How could I have ruined the only good thing in my life? Why was I so afraid that she was tired of me?
“Because you were tired of your self,” came that damned voice.
Then, I realized that I had damned my own inner voice, my own self. Suddenly, I began to realize all the ways that I had damned myself through out my entire life. Finally, I realized that I do NOT like killing.
I do not like killing other people, I do not like destroying their homes or disrupting their property. I do not like destroying anything or any one. I don’t want to be a destroyer. I thought I would grow up to be a protector, but instead I became an enemy of people and beings that were “different” from me—but where they really different?
They all had a heart, or maybe two, they all had brains, many had much larger brains than mine, and they ALL had families. AND, I had destroyed them, as well as their families. How could I ever forgive myself? How could I ever be the person that I saw in my Vision? Yes, it was a Vision. At least I could own that.
“It is not a Vision, it is the Truth,” I heard inside.
“What Truth, the truth that I was a destroyer or the truth that I was having a vision?” Now, I was arguing with my inner voice.
“The Truth is that you ARE the person that you saw in your Vision,” whispered the voice within.
After that I think I passed out. However, I did awaken with those final words of “You ARE the person that you saw in your Vision in my heart.” Yes, amazingly enough, these words, this Truth, was still in my heart, right next to my love for Mytria. That thought jarred me fully awake to a mid-day sun. I pulled myself out of the dirt and started to take a military assessment of my situation, when I felt Mytria’s love.
Even though, I had fallen off a cliff to avoid her love, it was right where it had ALWAYS been. It was the love she had for me that had forced me to find the love I had for myself. Therefore, I pushed aside my old way of being. After all, it was that combative attitude that had gotten me into this fix. Then, my Protector self came into play. I had to protect Mytria, but I had to stay alive to do so.
“What about the planet? Do you have to protect Her too?”
It appeared that even when I was totally conscious and in broad daylight, the inner voice was still active. Did I have the courage to listen to it?