Monday, May 28, 2012
We slept together in the small alcove with her worn bedding. However, she had put something underneath it, and it was incredible warm and soft. She slept as sounding and sweetly as a baby. I, of course, slept very little at all. First, my mind would not stop. Everything that I had ever believed in, all the structure, lessons, discipline and obedience that I had grown up with had been revealed as the old paradigm for my past life.
As l lay there with her warm body next to mine, in fact, VERY close to mine, I knew that I was changed forever. I had no idea what I had changed into, but I was positive that the “me” I used to be had died a sudden death. As I lay in the warm, darkness with the sent of her body filling my heart, I reviewed my life. I was born to a military family. There was no choice as to what I would do. Of course, I would be a military person. It was our family’s legacy to protect our world, our way of life.
However, since we came to this planet, our reality had vastly changed. For the first time in my life, which was about 90 of your years, making me a young adult, I did not KNOW what my life would be. Before our people were able to “let our guard down” and feel safe in our new home, I had an important contribution. However, as I saw others settling down and totally changing their perspective on life, I held strongly to the indoctrination that I had had since birth.
Maybe I was a unique person, and maybe I could find a unique experience of life that was different from all the generations of our proud and brave heritage? That kind of thinking had been hidden in my brain since I was a small child. Since then, I had never allowed those thoughts to come to the surface. Then, I literally ran into a woman, experienced her entirely unique experience of life. It was than that those hidden, childhood thoughts began prying their way to the surface.
How could I possibly push aside all that I had stood for, all that I thought defined me a powerful man, and all that I thought I had loved? Now, in one very long night, I had become a totally different person. However, I did not know this new person, so I had no idea of who I was or what I would do. I only knew that I could not go back to our village in this state of confusion.
As if she had heard my thoughts, Mytria rolled over to face me with opened eyes and smiled. Now there was no question. Not only could I not return to a life that had become barren of meaning, I could not leave that smile.
Mytria quietly got up and started her small fire. I watched as she put water in her small pan to make OUR tea, then went outside, likely to wash. Without her next to me, I felt lonely. How could that be? I had just met her, but felt like we had always been together.
While she was gone, I went to my pack and got my communication device. However, it did not work here. Perhaps it is the cave, I thought as I rose to go outside to use it. Before she even turned around, she said, “Your device won’t work here. There is an etheric shield around this area, and no technology works here. Believe me, I tried.” When she turned toward me to continue speaking I experienced that same feeling of recognition and any doubts I had about staying vanished.
“You have decided to stay?”
“Do you always read my thought,” I said with a smile in my voice.
“Only when you are thinking about me,” she smiled in return. “Are you avoiding my question?”
“Yes,” I said. “I was thinking that I should ask you first.”
“Yes, I should ask you or yes I should stay?”
“Yes, I would love to get to know you and show you my world.”
“I will have to tell them that you are safe and I am not returning—yet.”
“Then you will destroy that device?”
I had not thought of making my decision so permanent, so unalterable, but I realized that the kind of change I was facing would take my total commitment.
“Would you like to help me find some eggs? I will ask the birds if they can surrender one for us.”
After we had eaten the surrendered eggs and more delicious plants, which she had seasoned with her unknown herbs, she showed me the portal out of the energy field and turned to go back to her home.
“Aren’t you going with me to make sure that I destroy the device?” I teasingly said.
“I trust you.” She said as she turned away.
Her trust was the most amazing part of my experience. Not only did she totally trust me, which she said was because she knew me, she also totally trusted Nature. She lived her every moment in unity with the planet and the flora and fauna which whom she shared her life. There was no differentiation between what was alive and what was thing. Everything, even a rock, was alive in her world.
I wanted to share her world, but my scientific mind rebelled at such novel thinking. I had never realized how indoctrinated I was until I tried to change my mind. On the other hand, my body showed no resistance to change. I quickly forgot about my uniform and only wore what I normally slept in. The weather was usually very warm in the day and cold at night, but our bed was always warm.
When it was not too cold, we would sleep outside and she would show me all the Star System she had found. I was able to fill in many of the official names, but I usually preferred her names for them. In the day, we took long walks so that she could show me all the territory she had mapped. I assisted her with that. There was a plant that grew by a nearby river, which she had learned to “beat” into a kind of paper and she would write on it with “ink” that was sap from a certain tree.
Other plants could be dried and woven into a cloth, of which she made me an amazingly comfortable garment. She also showed me where all the eatable plants where, as well as the source of her honey. She showed me how to be so still that a bird would land on my shoulder and so quiet that I could hear the beating of my heart.
Fortunately, I was not useless. I had the strength that she lacked and a few tools, which allowed us to make our home even more comfortable. Yes, it was OUR home. We lived in it as one person, sharing all chores without any conflict or duty. If something needed to be done, we did it. However, we had our specialties. If we needed something built or moved, I was called in. On the other hand, if we needed to consult the Mother, she was called in.
Then one day she told me that it was time for me become ONE with the Mother Planet. I told her that I had no idea how to do that, and quite frankly, I did not think the Mother wanted to become ONE with me.
“How can you say that?” she said in a shocked voice.
“I am not pure, like you. I have killed many beings and destroyed much land. I have been a warrior where the love that you speak of is a weakness and the trust that you hold is mere foolishness.”
“Do YOU feel that way?”
I had to think before I answered her. She deserved a true response, and I did not know my truth yet. Hence, all I could say was, “I did feel that way once, but that me is no-more. I don’t know this new me enough to answer your question. I do believe you, and I see the great strength that you have gained not by domination, but through surrender. However, I don’t think it is possible for me to connect with something as vague as the Great Mother.”
“You do not need to surrender to Her, for I am Her representative. Therefore, you can surrender to me. It is often that way with men. Their minds are filled with protection and duty. Only deep love with a woman can allow them to release their protections and totally surrender.”
“How did you know that I deeply love you? I don’t even think I knew it myself until you said the words.”
Without a word spoken, she took me into our cave to give me the “proof” I needed.
As we merged through our love making, our consciousness intermingled so deeply that I could feel how she communed with all life. With this feeling shared between us, she showed me how to touch the land to find water, to smell a plant and put it to my heart to determine if it was safe to eat, how to ask a bird to surrender an egg, how to read the weather long before it changed and how to look into my SELF.
“Your relationship with the Mother depends on your relationship with your SELF.” She told me again and again. At first, the relationship with my SELF could only come as a by-product of my relationship with her. I had never been taught to have a relationship with my SELF. I was taught to follow orders, fulfill my duty and obey my commanding officers. I had spent my life being the “effect” of an external “cause.” If I was successful in my endeavor, I was happy and proud of myself. If I failed in my duty, I was ashamed and angry with my self.
I had not heard of the “greater” or “higher” version of my SELF that Mytria spoke of. The only greater part of me would be my fellow warriors, and my higher self was my commanding officers. I lived on the outside of me. Inside of me were bones and blood and organs that somehow survived their myriad wounds. I had no concept of a spirit me, or the etheric me that Mytria said she merged within the Core. In fact, I had no concept of that experience other than it being a “sexy” dream.
However, I had finally trusted some one. I trusted Mytria absolutely and completely. I trusted that she could make my energies rise up from my spine into my heart, or even into my mind. However, I had no concept that I could accomplish this without her help. It was this concept that disturbed me greatly. Was I becoming hypnotized by someone who was showing me a vision of reality that could never be mine?
Again, she read my thoughts. “I think you have had enough for now. It is time for you to go on a vision quest.”
“A vision quest? What is that,” I said in an angry fashion. She has tired of being my teacher, as I had become weak in her eyes, I thought. This entire experience was a fantasy, an excuse to ignore my duties. What had I been thinking? How could I dare to be different than all the men in as many generations as I could count? A vision quest, HA, get out of my home is more like it.”
Mytria did not engage in my inner battle. She merely turned and went into the cave.